Midnight Regrets
by moreorlez
Summary: Just a sad short fic that popped in my head. AU Brittana one-shot. Warning: angst with no happy ending.


**my sad brittana feelings. As usual thanks to my beta gleeeeeeeek89. **

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Santana gets on the bus with a small cardboard box in her hands and a face that shows emptiness. She takes a seat at the back, next to the window. It's almost midnight, there's barely four people on the bus; a fact that Santana is thankful for.

The streets and the lights pass by fast in front of her, but she doesn't even notice. Her mind is busy with details that are more important at the moment. Like for example, how the hell did she manage to destroy her life in a matter of hours?

While her mind evokes memories of what happened that night, she blinks rapidly; maybe in a vain attempt to pretend that what she's living is not real, that it's a nightmare or a figment of her twisted imagination.

Even in that state of mental stupor, she feels the breeze of the chilly night crawl inside her body; she can feel the lump in her throat that threatens to explode in uncontrollable sobs. Her head is heavy, full of pain; a pain that, without a doubt, she believes she deserves.

Sex. Was it only sex what she was looking for when she slept with Quinn Fabray?

Quinn was an old friend she lost contact a long time ago, but for some strange coincidence they happened to land in the same project. They spent countless days and nights working their asses off to make the play one of the best in the city, but also catching up about their lives. Since the very beginning Quinn was very clear about her intentions with Santana, always touchy- feely, always flirty.

When the time came to celebrate the success of the play, they had a huge party in a hotel. Among laughs and drinks Quinn made Santana an offering, a difficult one to refuse.

"My room is upstairs. I feel like celebrating only with you, c'mon"

She had said it with a voice full of desire, taking Santana's hand to pull her out of the party.

And Santana let her.

Why did she do it? She questions herself. She is –was- in a stable long-term relationship for Christ sake!

Why didn't she say no?

Was it just a mere physiological urge to join her body to another human being? Was it the heat of the moment? The curiosity of knowing what it was to be with someone else? Or was it that comment from a friend in the restaurant, where she was with Brittany, her girlfriend?

"Oh you guys look so cute, like an old married couple!"

Or maybe, just maybe was that time when Brittany let her know her desire to be a mother.

"San, don't you think we are ready? You know, to have a baby?"

Santana had been shocked, but she tried her best not to let Brittany know, instead she just smiled and answered with a vague, "we'll see."

Is it that she was scared? Scared of falling in the monotony of that institution called marriage? Scared of facing motherhood, which she wasn't ready for?

Maybe. But still, wouldn't have been better to discuss it with Brittany? Let her know her insecurities, her fears? After all, there was a reason why they lasted so many years together right? And it could've been more - if it wasn't for her stupidity. The only logical conclusion is that she subconsciously wanted to sabotage her relationship. And she succeeded.

Santana leans her head back and closes her eyes tight, clenching her teeth in frustration. These thoughts are burning her brain; so many regrets, so many what if's … but is too late now. She thinks that dying wouldn't be a bad thing.

The bus stops at a red light, which gives Santana the chance to take in her surroundings for the first time since she got on the bus. She looks to the side, facing her reflection in the glass of the window. She has a bruise in her brow, a swollen cheek and a busted lip.

It is now that she remembers how Brittany lost control and hit her.

Brittany; a sweet and serene woman, never one to argue and was against violence. That same woman, who after finding out, in the worst way possible, about her betrayal, caused her all those contusions.

How did she do to transform that calmed woman into a complete beast? Santana wonders as she touches the mark on her right cheek.

The answer to that question is very simple; she brings out the worst in Brittany.

Santana realizes she's not the best person to be around; she's like a bad influence tainting everything that crosses her path. She's a monster.

Why didn't she tell Brittany the same day it happened? Why she just didn't admit her mistake? 'Better to beg for forgiveness than ask permission' even that stupid quote sounds like a better idea instead of hiding her actions, like a coward.

Santana never forgets her cellphone, never. But that night she did. Brittany never reads her messages, never. But that night she did. It was then, when Santana went to buy some dinner, that a text message-from her not so desired anymore lover- arrived.

_Unforgettable night. Might want a repeat soon ... cya later gorgeous. Xoxoxox_

Those words were enough for her to find hell when she got back to the apartment she shared with Brittany. In vain was to explain, the damage was done, there was nothing she could do. Brittany kicked her out and it wasn't Santana's home anymore.

Still with a hand on her face, Santana can feel the tears now falling freely down her cheek. She doesn't know when exactly they started to fall but it doesn't matter anymore.

So many bad thoughts cross her mind right now: throwing herself off a bridge, cutting her veins or going to a bar and drink until her liver explodes; but no, not tonight. It would be an easy scape from this pain that is killing her inside. She has to suffer; she needs to suffer. She knows that any kind of physical or psychological torment she is feeling is nothing compared to what Brittany must be feeling right now. And that tortures her more than anything.

It's been almost an hour since she's got on the bus.

At certain stop Santana jumps automatically and climbs down with the same expression of emptiness she climbed in.

She walks some streets until she reaches a building. She takes the stairs to the fourth floor and stops at the apartment she was looking for.

Santana knocks at the door without letting go of the box that carries the few stuff she instinctively took before leaving her –not anymore- apartment.

Soft steps can be heard approaching the door.

"Who is it?" A feminine voice asks with irritation.

"It's me, Sa… Santana" she replies with barely enough force to be heard behind the door.

"Santana, it's almost one in the morning, what the hell…!" the words the brunette girl, who opens the door, was uttering get stuck in her throat after taking in the view in front of her.

"I fucked it up Rachel, I… I fucked it up…" Santana can't hold back anymore. She leaves the box fall to the floor, hugs her friend and breaks into uncontainable sobs.

"San what…" Rachel returns the hug with confusion. But sensing it's not a good time to ask questions she just pulls Santana into the place.

"Let's get inside honey c'mon. Everything is gonna be alright, whatever it is we'll figure it out."

Santana is aware that she deserves all the pain in the world, the rejection of Brittany and probably the criticism and judgment from friends and family. And she'll deal with it at the appropriate time. But right at this precise moment she just needs a friend, she needs to cry, she needs … a hug.


End file.
